Ahhh, yes…remember when your bucket list looked like this and you were successfully able to cross everything off of it?

1. Have some punk-ass burglars break into the Paris Airbnb apartment you are staying in right before Christmas.

2. Get asked to leave two different Parisian parks by the police because dogs are not allowed. (What park doesn’t allow dogs??  Insanity.  And don’t the police have something better to do?  Like break up a sex ring or shut down the Home Shopping Network for Terrorists?  Guess it was a slow day…)

3. Have a sexy policeman reprimand you for jaywalking in Paris.  (And for the record, Jo had every intention of jaywalking straight into that cop’s pants heart)

4. Nearly freeze to death in the rain on a double-decker tour bus.

5. Almost get kicked out of a Paris opera house.

6. Have so many people bump into you and rudely not apologize, let alone acknowledge your very existence in this universe…and so many shifty-eyed guys eye your purse and follow you around the city long enough where you finally snap, pop an Alka-Seltzer in your mouth, frothing at the gob and growling at those assholes to STEP. THE. FUCK. OFF. or you would cut them so deep their yet-to-be-born children would bear the scars.

And guess what?  It worked!  Turns out creepy thieves dislike psychotic women just as much as the next guy.

But what’s that, you say?  Those things aren’t on your bucket list?  What strange humans you are.  Where’s your sense of adventure?!  Matter of fact, Jo and I were soooo elated with our trip to Paris, we said, “Bring on some more adventure!”  So we whipped out the bucket list once again and said, “Well, we’ve always wanted to…”

1. Have our credit card info stolen while in Italy…by someone in the U.S.  (still not even sure how the hell that happened)

2. Almost get stranded because of a snowstorm not once…but twice!

3. Get denied entry to a country not once…but twice!  The first time for a pet passport issue (Mind you, we had already entered this country once before with my very same passport.  Suddenly, someone took issue with it, and it was no longer good enough.  So I had to return to the vet three incredibly glorious times, where I was forced to receive a total of three deworming treatments, another rabies vaccination, and a brand freakin’ new passport) but with a little resourcefulness, refusing to give up, and a whole lotta “we gotta do what we gotta do to make this dream come true,” successfully getting back on track to finishing out our trip.

Yep, that’s what we’ve been up to the last few months.  We are exhausted, grateful, wiser, and our ability to have a good laugh at every crappy thing that smacks us in the face is unparalleled!

So we apologize for the delay, folks!  Back to the blogventures, where we are squeezing every deliciously crazy Parisian moment into one very looong post so we can move the heck on from this city.  Cuddle up to some croissants and hold on to your berets!  Or just look at the pretty pictures instead…we won’t mind. 🙂

WARNING:  Any and all blurry photos are courtesy of Gma, who suffers from more tremors than the state of California.

December 2017

Disneyland Paris!

I’m just gonna put this out there.  The bad luck Jo endured recently maaay have been because I cursed her for abandoning me in dog jail.  The main reason Jo visited France was to knock another Disney park off her list.  Preposterous reason, I say.  Then again, she doesn’t understand why I like to roll in poop.  So I guess that makes us even.

Gpa flew all the way from the U.S. to Paris to join us, and then Jo dropped a bombshell on me.  Dogs aren’t allowed at Disney!

Now just wait one furry freakin’ second.

They let a freakishly tall mouse wearing pants into the park, along with an unapologetically-humanoid dog who can’t even form a coherent sentence without bursting into a fit of nitrous oxide giggles…but not me?!

And Jo has the gall to lock me up in the Disney kennel whilst she and Gpa prance around a winter wonderland, singing “Let it go, let it goooo!” in French, sipping hot chocolate and nibbling on croissants.

So for two days I did what I had to do to survive in the slammer.

Hour 1 in the joint:

Dear Diary,

Jo has abandoned me for fun and frivolity at my expense.  Her heart is as cold and unforgiving as the Arctic tundra.  So this is what I get for loving her unconditionally?  I’ve never been locked up before.  I’m scared and confused.  Is she ever coming back??

A French bulldog who calls himself Pepe has already made it quite clear that this is his turf, so no funny business, he said.  His sidekicks (a Doberman with a lazy eye and the voice of Ving Rhames and a hairless cat covered in tattoos of his gang, the Furballs, who sounded an awful lot like Joe Pesci) mimicked Pepe’s sentiment, “Yeaaaah, no funny business, new guy.”

Oh, yeah – and Jo left me a phone so she could send me photos of all the good times she’s having without me. *single tear*

 

* It was the 25th Anniversary of Disney Paris!  

By the way, any Disney fans out there wondering if Disney Paris is worth the visit?  Hell yes, it is. 🙂

 

* Just look at their smug faces…

 

* Rub it in Jo…rub it in.  You’re having soooo much fun without me.  Well, I hope you freeze your ass off.

 

* Gpa throwing gang signs…or trying to stay warm?

 

* This castle is different from the one in Orlando, FL in that you can actually go inside it…and beneath it, where a dragon lies in wait!  (photos of that later in the post)

 

Hour 2 in the joint:

Dear Diary,

Went to drown myself in a water bowl, and one of the other prisoners rubbed up against me and told me I had a pretty mouth.  “Thanks for noticing!” I replied excitedly.  “My human brushes my teeth and gives me lots of rawhides!  Well…at least she used to…”

* camera close-up of my face as my eyes glisten and the Young and the Restless  theme song begins to play.

 

 

Hour 5 in the joint:

‘Sup Diary,

Just yo’ girl, Penny.  That punk, Pepe, tried to roll up on me in the yard.  But I had whittled a shiv out of a stale baguette and was all geared up for a rumble.  Get this…this fool thought it was a chew toy!  I threw it and told him to “go fetch.”  And he did!  Soon, I had him wrapped around my little paw, along with the rest of his gang of mutts.

All the inmates were in awe.  I am now the stuff of legend round here.  One gang of Chihuahuas (Las Chupacabras) now call me El Jefe Gringo.  Others call me The Phantom, Moby Dick, Pennywiser, and, my personal favorite, the Doggy Lama.

I’ve cornered the market on nearly all contraband around here.  You want gravy kibble or a cozy bed?  Wanna chew on a guard’s shoe or romp around in some catnip?  I’m your girl. 

So long, Jo!

 

* Gpa stretching out the ol’ muscles

 

* Mickey trying to show Minnie what he just blew into a tissue.  Minnie is repulsed.  Apparently, that’s what happens after you’ve been married for as long as they have. 😉

 

 

* Tomorrowland in Paris is known as Discoveryland, inspired by the work of Jules Verne and others, and exhibiting Steampunk and Raygun Gothic themes. It was a visual feast!

 The best part was Space Mountain had been temporarily transformed to celebrate Star Wars, and there were adults literally trampling children and using them as battering rams to get on the ride.

But let me tell you, there is nothing cuter than hearing BB-8 pronounced as BB huit (sounds kinda like ooweet or just weet if you say it fast enough)

FUN FACT:  Discoveryland Space Mountain was originally supposed to have a free-fall ride in the theme of “Journey to the Center of the Earth.”

* The greatest love story ever told.  No, no – not Wall-E and Eve.  Gpa and his love for the movies…

 

* Nothing to see here, folks.  Just a man in his Minnie ears enjoying a pain au chocolat.

 

 

End of day 1 in the joint:

Jo came to break me out of the slammer and sneak me into the Disney hotel for the night!

Forgetting about my tough-guy prison persona, I turned into a pile of tail-wagging mush when I saw Jo, and I begged her to put my pink sweater on and carry me outta there like Richard Gere at the end of an “Officer and a Gentleman.”

 Sayonara, prison scum!

* Little did I know I was going back there the very next day, while Jo and Gpa hit up the other park.  But hey, it all turned out A-Ok. 😀

 

* While not as cool or updated as Orlando’s Haunted Mansion, Paris’ Phantom Manor certainly exuded charm!  And, as it was situated in Frontierland, had an entire Western “ghost” town inside, complete with creepy dead guy who tips his hat (and his head) to you.

* Boot Hill Cemetery outside the manor

 

* Disney Paris even has a little area to celebrate the film “Coco”

 

* These guys played some swingin’ Christmas music

 

* One of the rides that the other Disney parks doesn’t have is “Crush’s Coaster,” an indoor Finding Nemo-themed coaster that was Jo and Gpa’s favorite ride.  Unlike any other they’ve been on!  If you find yourself at Disney Paris one day, you gotta check this one out.

* Just suave and sophisticated Jo here, showing you yet another ride the other Disney parks don’t have:  Ratatouille!  A 4D adventure where you “shrink” down to the size of Remy the Rat and must scurry to safety through the dangers of a very busy restaurant.  

Again, unlike any other ride Jo and Gpa have been on, this is Disney Paris’ most popular attraction.  

But don’t get your panties in a bind, Americans…it has been revealed that Orlando’s Epcot will be getting a similar attraction soon.

* Loosely translated:  No hailing a taxi or performing spine-fracturing disco moves while the ride is in motion.

 

* These ungrateful humans even had lunch and drinks at Planet Hollywood…without me!  Here, Gpa is recalling when we awoke to a blanket of snow on the ground at Disney, a snowflake landing atop Gpa’s nose, and him declaring, “It’s a Christmas miracle!”

 

* Disney Paris also sports an entire hedge maze dedicated to Alice in Wonderland!  Jo and Gpa didn’t get there until late and it was already closed for the day.  Jo was bummed (serves her right!), but they were able to get some photos from the outside

* This is Gpa’s, “Oy, I drank too much tea” face

 

* The outside of the Pirates of the Caribbean ride.  This ride was waaay better than Disney Orlando simply because of the amount of detail that went into it, the gigantor fort outside, and Captain Jack’s restaurant

* The castle at night

 

* Detail inside the castle – you could either go up to the second floor or brave the dungeons below!

* Animatronic dragon in the depths of the castle

 

* We spent the rest of the week eating and drinking with Gpa!  This was the swanky hotel he stayed in:  Hotel Mercure Paris Centre Tour Eiffel.  Dog friendly and so nice to us!

 

* Amazing Belgian beer Jo tried for the first time.  As Yo Gabba Gabba says:  “Try it!  You’ll like it!” 

 

* Popped on over to the restaurant next door, where they actually provide a pillow for dogs to lie on…and you can order your pup a bowl of chicken and rice!

 

 

We were so excited for Gpa’s visit!  We had so many laughs!  But all too soon it was time to say goodbye, and just like that, we were a bit depressed and nostalgic for days past.  To top it off, Jo got sick AGAIN!

Gma was due to arrive about a week after Gpa, and the weather was absolute shit.  So Jo spent these days breathing like the Predator as she battled her cold, playing an embarrassing game of charades with the pharmacy guy to let him know she was looking for peroxide to gargle with, and listening in fascination to our Airbnb host’s mother speaking in French to Jo.  It was beautiful!  But Jo just stood there dumbfounded, the only French she knew being

Je suis désolée.  Je ne parle pas français.”

 

* Jo took some artsy pictures of the Airbnb apartment to kill some time

 

* The lobby decorated for Christmas!

 

* View from our balcony on one of the very few good weather days

 

* And I stole the Ewok Jo literally just bought from Disneyland…MINE.  All miiiine.

 

 

Parisdise Lost

 

Finally, Gma arrived!  And with her, something crazy like 4 bags of luggage full of supplies for me and Jo (helloooo rawhides and Noxzema!) and FOOOOD!!

* Gma packed a cooler full of homemade chili, mac n’ cheese, and lasagna for us, and even dessert courtesy of our friend, Elaine.  Jo and I definitely squeaked out a few food tears that night…

 

* Gma’s first night in Paris!  She missed me, I just know it. 😉

 

* Considering dogs are absolutely not allowed in most museums and many parks here (but we’re allowed in a ton of restaurants), there wasn’t much for us to do besides eat and shop.  Damn! 😉 Surprisingly, I was allowed on the giant ferris wheel.

 

* Perhaps it was the time of year we visited, but Paris was our least favorite place thus far.  This was the view from the ferris wheel, and most parts of the city we visited looked like this.  Depressing.

 

* Although these motorcycle hotties certainly made up for it! 😀

 

* Next, we hit up the world-famous “Angelina” tea house, modeled after the Belle Époque style, hence everything bathed in gold.

Reportedly, this is where THE best hot chocolate is to be found.  I was busy eating under the table, but Jo can confirm this was, in fact, the best chocolat chaud ever!  And, believe me, she’s drank a lot of it in the US, Italy, and the UK.  This was almost pudding thick, rich, just sweet enough, and topped with real whipped cream. *drooool*

* They tried to behave themselves…but that didn’t last long!

 

* Best macarons ever!  In flavors ranging from caviar to truffle to raspberry lemon

 

* Another redeeming quality:  Paris was absolutely beautiful at night.  It truly lives up to its nickname “City of Lights!”

* Sporting the hobo chic look…

 

* You got this, Gma!

After a long day of sightseeing, we dragged our tired asses back home, where subconsciously Jo noticed something amiss as we got off the elevator and entered the hallway to our apartment, but she couldn’t put her finger on it until we entered the apartment itself and heard water running in the kitchen.  Did the Airbnb hosts come home early from their Christmas vacation?

Jo saw her bedroom chair in the hallway to her bedroom.  But the chair had been locked in the bedroom when she left.  And then she noticed the crowbar marks where someone had forced their way into her room.

Gma had gone to the kitchen to investigate the sound of running water.

Nope, no fucking nope.  Jo had seen this movie one too many times, and she wasn’t about to stick around to see if the burglars were still inside.

“Mom, get out!”

We raced back downstairs, and luckily we ran into one of the tenants leaving with his wife to go to a Christmas party.  They both spoke perfect English, so we told them what happened, and before we could explain anything else, the man raced back up to the apartment with absolutely no fear, checked it out, and called the police for us.

The police showed up very quickly and cleared the building, took our statements and passport info (meanwhile, Jo was having a fucking panic attack thinking her laptop and everything on it was gone), dusted for fingerprints (a big fat nothing) and left.  Which is too bad…because they were some sexy Frenchmen.

Thankfully, nothing of ours was stolen, not even Jo’s laptop.  Matter of fact, the burglars took Jo’s empty wallet out of one of her purses, probably looked through it, then put it back in almost the exact same position.  How kind of them.

Jo got in touch with the Airbnb owners to let them know, and she felt absolutely awful.  How did this happen on her watch??  Was anything of theirs stolen?  What if we had been home alone?  What if I was here alone?  Would they have hurt or killed me?  And then Jo would have had to go all John Wick revenge killing on their asses!

What do all my Poirots and Miss Marples think??

THE FACTS:  

1. There are 4 separate doors where you need either a code or a key (all different keys) to get into the building/apartment.

2. All three apartments on our floor were broken into.  No other apartments in the building were targeted.  One unsuccessfully pried open with a crowbar, one successfully pried open, and our apartment door not pried open with a crowbar at all but still accessed somehow.

3. Box/purse of letters/paperwork/money in the kitchen sink with water running on it.  Yet they didn’t take the money that was in plain view??

4. Some cabinets open, but not all, and nothing rummaged through or tossed about except for some coins and a few clothes on the floor.  And little to nothing had been touched in our room.

5. All three apartment tenants were out of town for the Christmas holiday.

Jo and Gma said it HAD to be an inside job, right??  The Airbnb hosts have a house cleaner.  Jo met her twice.  She knew our Airbnb hosts were going to be out of town.  She certainly may have had info about the other tenants.  And she had keys.

We thought they were looking for something in particular (the cops confirmed our suspicion) and, for the most part, knew pretty much where to look for it.  Either that, or they didn’t want to make too much of a mess, knowing full well they may have to clean it up later….looking at you, cleaning lady!

I’m just saying…

It was Jo’s first time dealing with a break-in…let alone in someone else’s home…in a strange city!  It was terrifying.  But Christmas was coming…and that meant happier times!

* I got to sample Frosted Flakes on Christmas morning…now made with real tiger!

 

* Gma celebrated her birthday here too!  And just look at that happy face.  Hahaha!  The story behind this photo is that the girl behind her and presumably her mother (out of the photo) were all up in Gma’s space when we were trying to get a picture.  Gma snapped and shoved Scooby-Doo back in their faces!  The mother presumably said something nasty to mom in another language, and they walked away a bit…but hung around just enough to stay in Gma’s photo anyway.  😀

 

* Jo and I couldn’t go in the Louvre, but Gma took a pic of the Mona Lisa.  Not impressive in the least…in a dog’s humble opinion. 😉

 

FUN FACT:  Did you know there are sparkling water fountains in Paris?  Yep, they’re called fontaine petillante.  Move over, boring ol’ tap water!

 

 

* Freezing our asses off on the tour bus!

 

* No rhyme or reason to the traffic…

 

* It was so cold, Gma had to cocoon me into her coat

 

* Yes, this IS the Palais Garnier Opera House, inspiration for Gaston Leroux’s Phantom of the Opera!

 

* The phantom’s balcony (above) and famous chandelier (below)!

* This place was incredible!  And while there are many literary phantom elements clearly visible throughout the building, there is, in fact, no lake beneath the opera house.  Well, not exactly. 😉 During construction of the opera house, the Seine River kept flooding up from beneath, no matter how much they pumped it back out.  So cisterns were built to control this…and voila, a sort of artificial lake was born.

Furthermore, the chandelier really did kill a woman in the audience!  But the whole thing didn’t come crashing down on her…just one of the counterweights.

* This was the moment we almost got kicked out of the opera house!  You can see the guy’s hand in the top left corner.  He said, “No, no, no.”  Tried to tell us dogs weren’t allowed.  Jo and Gma tried to tell him we already got permission at the front desk, so on and so forth.  He finally got fed up with arguing with us and walked away in a huff.

Meanwhile, there were kids running amok, scooting their asses across the floor, and splayed out like deconstructed PB&J sandwiches.  How ’bout we kick them out, eh? 😉

Unfortunately, dogs are not allowed in the catacombs either.  What gives, Paris?!  Cats get their own combs.  How about dogs?  We like combs too!

* While waiting for Gma to go up to the top of the Eiffel Tower, Jo thought she would have my caricature done…until the “artist” claimed he couldn’t draw a dog.  Okay, just Jo then.  And the above was the result.  Apparently, Jo’s a double amputee and the Eiffel Tower is now a cat-scratched teepee.  The guy wanted 35 euros for this.  Ah, Paris…

* Gma made it to the top of the Eiffel!  Haha!

 

* Finally, we took a burger bus tour!  The bus drives by all the lit-up sites at night while you enjoy burgers and beer, of course! 

* Jo bought these silly souvenirs…because, ya’ know..she’s like 8 years old.

 

In the end, yes, there were some stressful, scary, not-so-fun moments.  It was dreary most of the time.  And dogs weren’t allowed anywhere except restaurants, it seemed.  But, hey, we managed to eat 6 loaves of bread and 2 blocks of butter in 5 days, and there were some outright hilarious moments courtesy of Gma:

She thought the apartment door phone was a real phone.  She picked it up, “There’s someone on the other line!”  It was really the noise from the traffic outside.

She repeatedly misplaced her passport, and one of her credit cards was found in her makeup bag.  Mm, hm.

“Where the hell is my sweater?” she asked.  She was wearing it.

While applying “liquid skin,” they wondered what’s in it.  Well, let’s look at the ingredients.  Jo says, “It says, ‘see carton.'” And Gma replies, “What the hell is that?  I’m probably gonna get cancer.”

* Evidence that I tried to make off with an entire baguette! 

 

* Finally, Paris is done!  If you read everything, thanks for hanging in there, guys.  And thanks so much for taking the time to visit us, Gpa and Gma!!  You made our Paris journey much more fun!

Up Next:  Wherever We May Rome!