May 22, 2017
“We’re off to see the Wizard!”
To ask him for some courage to get through this flight. FUN FACT: Jo’s afraid of flying, and she hasn’t flown anywhere in about 10 years. So my grandma (Gma) accompanied us over to Spain for two weeks to help me help Jo keep her shit together and get settled.
I had never flown before and imagined it would be heavenly. All those windows! All that fresh air rushing past! I only get one window to stick my head out of in Jo’s Jeep. Now I would get my choice of many! There’s food and more people to pet me than I could ever hope for. Maybe the pilot would even let me fly the plane!
*Waiting patiently at the airport to depart
*My luggage! Jo put some of my favorite stickers on here. Has all of my favorite things, like bacon and tacos! A squirrel, a llama! I think I kinda look like a llama. Or is it an alpaca? I don’t know, but alpaca lot of stuff in this awesome suitcase!
Little did I know what horrors awaited us at the scareport.
The chaos of security: Jo had to undress part of the way. Jacket off, jacket on. Shoes off, shoes on. It was like watching an episode of Mr. Rogers. Then you do the hokey-pokey, and you turn yourself around. This is exactly why I walk around naked everywhere.
The delaaaays: Holy frijole! We got to the airport 3 hours early, and our flight was delayed 3 hours. Jo thought I might need to go potty, so she brought me to the restroom and laid a pee-pee pad down on the ground. I looked at her like she grew another head. I had no idea what she wanted me to do with this thing. Then I remembered looking over her shoulder once when she was reading a book on origami. Maaaybe I could fashion this thing into a swan or an elephant.
I did have time to start a journal while waiting: Day 23: We’re still in the airport. I’m all out of real food and am subsisting off toilet water. Jo and I made a promise she wouldn’t eat me if I die first, and I wouldn’t eat her if she dies first. I lied. I’m totally going to eat her.
The children: I’m not sure about kids. I mean, they look like humans. Just freakishly small. They kinda sound like humans. Sometimes they smell gross. Sometimes they smell good because they still have food on their hands, and I’m obliged to remove said food. But they don’t pet me right. Like they have clumsy wooden clubs for hands. And their squeaky voices hurt my ears. But hey, I was a star! Everybody loved me! So I put up with it and gave my adoring fans what they wanted until Jo told them, “No more autographs.”
The connecting flight: Had a difficult time boarding this one. One of the employees thought Jo was pulling a fast one and trying to sneak me on, even though all of my paperwork was in order and in hand. I could understand stopping Jo if she was trying to sneak an Uzi or some radioactive spiders on board…but me?? You could tell that lady didn’t own a dog. She probably has a kid who gives her shit every day. She should sell the kid and adopt a dog.
The seats on this plane felt like they were shrinking as the flight went on. Jo had slept a total of 8 hours in the last 72 hours, so she was a few seconds away from seeing the flight attendant morph into a talking cupcake and hearing baby giggles when she opened her bottled water. So, finally, she dozed off for a bit. Wise move, Jo.
We flew Norwegian Air for both flights and, all in all, can’t beat the price! But Jo still hates flying. I did amazing for my first time! Although I was not particularly fond of the takeoffs and landings.
The good stuff:
- We shared crackers with a man from Antigua going to his grandmother’s funeral. He was so mellow and had a mischievous sparkle in his eye. He definitely had a good outlook on life, and his wife and family were the same way. The type of people you could kick back with, enjoy a beer, and just laugh about things.
- Every Norwegian we met was incredibly warm and friendly. Especially Olav/Olaf! (I’m unintentionally butchering your name, I’m sorry) He came right up to me and started petting me. He talked about his travels, and he suggested we eat sheep’s head (smalahove, I think he called it) if we go to Norway. Jo and I both agreed we would try it if we happened across it.
- We met a lovely Barcelonian woman, Teresa, whose husband is Danish, and she was returning to Spain to visit family. She was very, very nice to us. 🙂
After an entire day of travel, we had finally arrived in Barcelona! It was around 1:00 a.m. as we walked through the airport, and there was no one there to check my or Jo’s paperwork. Maybe because we had already been stamped at our layover in Copenhagen? Feeling like we were breaking the law somehow if no one stamped us or gave us a smiley sticker or something, we gave each other the ol’ shifty eyes and quickly headed towards the exit, where we yelled, “We made it!!”
Our shuttle driver picked us up and drove like a crazy Puerto Rican through the streets to our hostel, where we were staying for the night before checking into our rental apartment the next day. Jo didn’t recognize the area at night, especially with a mini red-light district down the road and some questionable characters meandering about. Wait a second, TripAdvisor never mentioned this…
Then, our shuttle driver got out to verify where the hostel was. And we were alone. At 1:00 a.m. In a van with a running engine. I swore to Jo that if a stranger jumped into the van and drove off with us inside, I would be calling Liam Neeson to come save us STAT.
Turned out our hostel was wonderful, even if it was for only one night.
JO’S TOP RIDICULOUS FEARS OF FLYING:
1. Twist on the ol’ Twilight Zone classic: Instead of seeing a creature, Jo sees William Shatner on the wing of the plane. Maybe Scotty beamed him to the wrong place. Maybe he’s just trying to help her find a last-minute hotel deal. Either way, it’s just too damn freaky.
2. Sitting so long, her flesh starts to fuse to the seat.
3. Finding out that a blow-up doll is really piloting the plane.
4. Coming back from the restroom to find I’m missing. Jo looks everywhere, only to be told there is no record of a dog boarding the plane and that I never existed.
5. Entering a storm and plopping out the other side onto an island that time forgot.
6. Snakes on a plane: No problem. Jo can handle snakes. But replace each of those snakes with Samuel L. Jackson…that’s real fear. Sam popping out of the overhead bin when you reach for your luggage. Sam looking back at ya’ when you look down into the toilet. Sam slithering under the seat. Sam lunging from the beverage cart. Stuff of nightmares, people!
7. After flying, Customs asks Jo if she has any vegetables. She malfunctions and repeatedly says, “Twooo weeeeks” until her robotic cranial exoskeleton disassembles, revealing herself to be Arnold Schwarzenegger (Total Recall reference, in case you’re not a movie nerd like ourselves)
*Sigh* We’ve seen way too many movies together.
Up Next: Barkelona Part Dos