Greetings from the Land of the Living!
Jo and I have finally emerged from the UK countryside, returning to city life where Wifi flows freely no matter where you are and our photos finally uploaded successfully! We are so freakin’ behind on our blog, and Jo is presently sitting back, chuckling into her glass of Scotch whilst I struggle to organize and type everything. Geez, make yourself useful, Jo!
January 2018
When in Rome…
Do as the Romans do. Isn’t that the saying? What is it exactly that Romans do? Well, if it’s a shit ton of eating, drinking, walking, and flirting…then guess what? We’re officially Roman! Throw in a side of dog humping and belly rubs, and a dash of rolling in some poop, and we got ourselves a regular festa italiana!
So, as our French adventure came to an end, Gma joined Jo and I on our 12+ hour train journey from Paris to Rome, along with 5 pieces of luggage, 4 tote bags, yours truly…and a partridge in a pear treeee. It was madness! At one point, we raced to make our connecting train out of the Milano Centrale station, and the bumbling humans opted for some terrifying undulating stairs instead of the elevator. Bad idea.
As we reached the top, they failed miserably at timing the moment to jump off the escalator with all the luggage, and poor Gma ended up tripping and falling. Jo later confided to me, in that moment she thought, ‘Well, this is it. This is where mom breaks a hip, and I have to leave her behind because there’s no way in hell I’m missing this train!’
However, just as the sound of an ice cold beer being cracked open would send most males into a frenzy, the sound of a woman in distress has the same effect on guys in Italy. As soon as Gma kissed the floor, a swarm of chivalrous men surrounded her, picked her and the luggage up, and their honey-brown eyes melted our hearts…and our clothes clean off. An unfortunate side effect of staring at a sexy Italian for too long. Okay, okay, maybe that last part didn’t really happen. Or did it? 😉 Nooo, no, it didn’t.
And it didn’t stop there! Nope. From flirtatious train employees to bike riders who belted out, “Che bella!” while we strolled through the park…to the shopkeeper insisting Jo kiss him on the lips…and even to the men who offered to impregnate Jo when Gma divulged she longed for grandbabies (yes, that really did happen)…out of all the places we have visited, Italy was pretty much exactly like you see it in the movies.
Full-on, intensely passionate, magical, mesmerizing, loud, and full of warm people who treat you like family…and, uh, apparently want you to have their babies. 😀
We stayed for two weeks in Trastevere, a section of Rome comprising a maze of cobblestone streets, piazzas, bustling outdoor markets, shops, and bars (which are really cafes, but more on that later).
Our apartment was actually located on the street where part of To Rome with Love was filmed. It was quirky and Bohemian. You had to sit sideways on the toilet to close the bathroom door.
That’s right, you basically had to remove a few ribs and fold yourself in half every time you had to relieve yourself. I told Jo this is exactly why I do my business in the company of Mother Nature.
Oh, and the bathtub was connected to the kitchen…like, you could have one leg in the tub and one in the kitchen at the same time. Eat while you clean? I think the Italians are on to something there!
We also rang in the New Year in Trastevere! Gma and Jo made me wear a party hat, and we heard fireworks and revelry outside our apartment until 4 a.m. I now hate New Year’s. 😉
* One of the many piazzas in Trastevere
* Right around the corner from our apartment
* A short walk down the street from the apartment and up a flight of stairs offers this amazing view of Rome
* And some equally amazing sunsets!
* The best part was getting lost in the labyrinthine streets and seeing what unique shops you came upon.
Gma went shopping for Italian boots and thought the saleswoman said they were “Nazi” boots. Nooo, Gma – she said they were “no zip.” Ahh, yes – we all had a good laugh at that one. 😀
We chatted up the sweetest ol’ Nepalese man too, and Jo bought a singing bowl from him.
I told her she should ask for her money back because it doesn’t really sing. Not even one Bon Jovi song.
* Ahh, dessert on wheels! 😉
* This guy was amazing!
* I don’t know what a porno shot was…but I wanted one!
* But Jo made me stick to the dog bars instead. Boooo, Jo. Boo.
* This place was full of crazy street art!
* Gma making a call to the Pope! Or pretending to anyway…
* Uh, yeah – ASPCA? I’d like to report my human for torture, embarrassment…and for dressing like a hobo.
* Doing hard time in the Parisian Disney kennel really changed me…and I let Billy the Dog know right away that I was the head honcho. Giddy-up, Billy!
* We wasted no time in exploring Rome and our first stop was Vatican City!
* I’m mortified by what I put up with…
* This guy wouldn’t let us come any closer for a picture…and he was probably signaling for someone to tackle us if we did.
* The Pantheon as we know it today was built in 120 AD and still retains the original marble flooring!
It was designed by Emperor Hadrian himself, along with a famous architect who was promptly EXECUTED, courtesy of Hadrian, after an argument over the design of the temple. WHOA.
“I said I wanted Corinthian leather, not Corinthian columns!”
* Inside the Pantheon
* We accidentally happened upon the Piazza Navona, a huge space which once was the site of a stadium made completely out of marble and could seat 30,000 people!
Nearby was also the Campo de’ Fiori, a massive market area selling pretty much everything you could possibly think of: Flowers, clothes, wheels of cheese n’ logs of sausage so big you could bludgeon someone with them.
There was even a local Jack Russell in a leather jacket. HE. DID. NOT. LIKE. ME.
* Oh, hey there – and who is this dangerously good-looking fur specimen?
* The famous Trevi Fountain! Toss a coin over your shoulder and you shall return to Rome, two coins to fall in love, and three to get married. I say keep the coins and let’s go out to eat!
* While it was a beautiful fountain, the crowds were insane and almost made it not worth visiting. We say opt out of this one and cozy up to one of the many other enchanting fountains in Rome.
* Gma geting ready to toss her coin!
* Oh, my god – Jo and Gma spotted these guys on the street and immediately had to get pictures with them. I was so confused and didn’t understand why they were pretending to kill each other. I was not into it at all. But my strange humans were laughing their asses off and having way too much fun.
Immediately afterwards, these guys demanded 20 euro a piece for these photos. Ahhh, adventure!
Couldn’t decide which pics to post, so posted them all!
* Why, yes – this is a wall of liquid chocolate!
* Only in Rome can one stock up on crucifixes and holy water AS WELL AS condoms and dick underwear
SIDENOTE: The stores here also sell calendars of sexy “priests.” Yeah, okay – like there’s such a thing as a sexy priest, we all said.
Uhhh, well, there is! Jo and Gma ran into a real priest…who happened to be smoking hot…on our way to the Vatican. They asked him for directions, and he was kind enough to explain how to get there, but I don’t think Jo really heard anything he said due to the chorus of impure thoughts cantillating between her ears. Forgive her, Father…
On that note, even outside of Vatican City, it is completely normal to see a myriad of nuns and priests just moseying down the streets.
* Another normal sight: BAM – Ancient Ruins! Just chillin’ amongst the traffic and ebb n’ flow of contemporary life. To hear about it is one thing, but to walk down the road, round the corner and see something like this in person…man, takes your breath away. Love this city!
* More alleyways and cool shops…
* People kept asking Jo if she was from England or Canada? Finally, she just said,
“Yes, Canada.”
“Ahh,” they replied. “The land of the friendly people!”
* Different types of pizza and crocchette di patate (a potato croquette). You gotta say it with your hand in the air, thumb and fingers together…or you’re not saying it correctly. 😉
* Leave the gun, take the cannoli. Wiser words have never been spoken.
FUN FACT: Bars are, in fact, where you go to get coffee here, not beer.
THE PROCESS: Whether you’re ordering gelato or coffee or anything else in places like this, you pay first, get the receipt, then go to the food counter and wave your receipt. It’s usually very hectic but orderly, although sometimes folks like to jump in front of you. Don’t tolerate that malarkey. Politely but firmly make your way to the front, receipt in the air, and when the barista says, “Pronto?” greet him and tell him what you’d like.
FUNNY: If it’s after 10:00/10:30 a.m. and you order a cappuccino, prepare to get strange looks. It’s considered a heavy drink, for breakfast only.
YUMMY: That communal vat of frothy crema (cream) you spot on the bar…it’s not cream. I know what you’re thinking…but don’t panic! It’s actually coffee oil foam whipped up with sugar. And. It. Is. Delicious.
SAY WHAT?! Depending on where you are and what kind of people are there, sometimes you’ll hear a coffee order for the “3 C’s.” What’s this, you ask? Well, Jo and I aren’t exactly sure how to spell it, but it sounds like “comme cazzo coce,” and basically it means “Drink it while it’s f**king hot.”
TOP TIP: Drink it fast, while you stand at the bar. Or take your food or gelato to go. If you don’t, you’ll be charged a buttload extra to sit down.
Before you know it, you’ll be ordering and enjoying goodies like a local!
Yet, I still have to drink out of a bowl. *sigh*
* Visiting the Roman Forum
* Notice Jo’s finger photobombing me…and how enthused I am to be visiting the Colosseum.
FUN FACT: The Colosseum’s REAL name is the Flavian Amphitheater, named after (what else?) some human emperor dudes. It’s believed to have picked up the nickname, Colosseum, due to there being a colossal statue of (what else?) yet another emperor dude (Nero) next to it.
CAT FACT: Over 200 cats live rent-free at the Colosseum and are protected by Roman law. What about dogs, Rome? What. About. Dogs??
* This hallway is known as a “vomitorium.” Sounds gross, right? Well, that’s because this is where you humans get the word “vomit” from. Meaning “rapid discharge” or “to spew forth,” these openings allowed ticket holders to quickly spew forth into their seats…or rapidly discharge out of the arena at the end of an event or in case of an emergency.
Think about THAT next time you go to a football game! 😉
* This place was so freakin’ awesome! The architecture, the history, the amount of detail…it scrambled Jo’s brains and smoke billowed from her ears while she tried to comprehend it all
* Seating tickets were shards of numbered pottery…and they even had reserved seating for important folk, e.g., senators, as pictured above and below…their names still clearly visible carved into the stone
SEATING ARRANGEMENTS: Pretty much everyone could view the savage spectacles that took place here; there was tiered seating for the big-headed important folk, the knights, rich folk, poor folk, boys with their tutors (I shit you not), soldiers on leave, priests, slaves, and women.
GROUPS THAT WERE BANNED: Still, there were some who were refused entry altogether: Former gladiators, actors…and gravediggers. Ermm, okay. What did they have against gravediggers, man? They do hard work. Especially back then! With something like 400,000 humans and over a million wild animals killed there over the years.
This is the hypogeum, underground rooms that held the animals and gladiators (and victims of Buffalo Bill who must “rub the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again”) before an event. Evidence of hydraulic mechanisms has been found here, which undoubtedly transported the animals and not-so-glad-iators up through openings in the wooden arena that used to lay above.
Before there were underground rooms, the area could be flooded to reenact naval battles and watch specially trained swimming horses…in matching frilly suits and polka-dot swim caps, no doubt.
A typical sunny Roman Colosseum day would consist of parading the participants around in the morning, followed by criminals condemned to death turned into human confetti courtesy of wild animals on stage sets designed with real trees and other flora, maybe a light lunch with a side of juggling and magic tricks, catch a quick episode of the Jersey Shore, and then just enough time to squeeze in some gladiatorial combats. Ahhh, la dolce vita, right, guys?
* You can still see the chisel marks made by the sculptor! *pakeeww!* That’s the sound of minds being blown.
* The Arch of Constantine…the emperor, not the demon hunter.
* Incredible day with Jo n’ Gma!
* The humans had their fun, and now it was my time! My favorite part of Rome was this: Villa Doria Pamphili, a park containing a 17th century villa once belonging to a very prominent family and now open to the public. It was huge!!
Very Leonardo da Vinci meets Jurassic Park
* I half expected to see this when we arrived!
* Now when I say it was huge, I mean we walked for 3 hours and had covered maaaybe half of it. Very much a park for the locals, we saw little to no tourists. So shhh, keep it a secret because it truly was a relaxing, magical place. 🙂
* And this is the actual villa! You can go inside and check out the pieces of art, but it was closed when we went.
* Not really sure what’s going on with these creepy baby creatures…
* I even made some friends!
* There were lovely grottos everywhere, and Jo immediately regressed into an 8-year-old child, yelling, “Come on, guys – let’s go ‘sploring!”
After the hellacious month I endured in Paris…not allowed in the parks, not allowed in Disney…I felt I owed it to myself…and to Jo for putting me through that…to really let my hair down and ROLL IN SOME POOP. I had been threatening Jo for awhile now that I would do it. But Jo said:
Believe me now, Jo? Hehehe It was too late to stop me when Jo figured out what I was doing, so she let me finish. And I felt amazing! As for Jo…well, she had to fold herself in half, with one leg in the tub and one leg in the kitchen, in order to bathe me.
* The Pope is Gma’s boyfriend. She absolutely loooves him!
* This message has been Pope Approved
Our trip to Rome with Gma was incredible – we’ll never forget it! And we can’t thank her enough for cooking all that food, flying all that way, and putting up with us. Unfortunately, we didn’t get to see everything we wanted. We missed out on the Bocca della Verita/Mouth of Truth and the Gardens of Bomarzo/Park of Monsters (seriously, look this last one up; it’s freakin’ awesome).
HOWEVER, we did brave the insane train system of Italy to take a day trip to Pompeii…which blew my eyebrows clean off, it was so awesome!
And that, my friends, is Up Next: What do Volcanoes, Penises, and Me have in common? Well, Pompeii, of course!
Spectacular pictures! Thank you for sharing this one. I really enjoyed it and it seems that ya’ll did too. 🙂
Aww, thank you so much, Carrie!! I’m so glad you loved the pictures. We had a ridiculously good time – would go back in a heartbeat! Thank you again. How are youuu?! Hope you guys are doing great! 😀
Penny and Jo, You out did yourselves with the fantastic pictures this time!
You sure are doing and seeing a lot! It was great Grma could see all this with you too. It is amazing all you can see over there. And, most things are so old!
Amazing!!!!
Enjoy every minute and I’m great your Grma is OK after her fall.
Miss you guys, Stay safe! Hugs and Love, Pay
Thank you so much, Pat! We’re so glad you enjoyed them. 🙂 I really make the ancient ruins shine when I’m in the foreground. 😉 You ain’t kidding – there is too much to see n’ do over here! We only had time for a handful of places in Italy, but I think we managed to do them properly. 😀 Yes, the “oldness” is what really blows our minds! It is so difficult for us to comprehend life “back in the day” and that so much of it is still standing so that we can enjoy it. It’s f**king amazing!! Definitely one of our most favorite places thus far.
It was awesome Gma got to join us! She was a freakin’ riot! So glad she was okay from the fall too…but did you hear? She broke her leg gardening! I knew it was bad for one’s health. LOL Her knee appliance failed and took part of her real bone with it. She’s having surgery tomorrow. She was rolling herself around the house in an office chair for awhile. Can’t hold that beast down!
Miss you too, darlin’! Can’t wait to see you this autumn. We’re gearing up for some cinny-donuts and cider! Love youuu, Pat – Penny n’ Jo
It was a blast seeing all the pictures again! We really did see so much and had such a great time. How many coins did I throw into the fountain? I hope it was just one because I would love to go back. The history, architecture and those totally charming and chivalrous Italian men really do it for me. 🙂 Hope my house boat is there and for sale – LOL Say, did I fall on my left knee?? That would explain a lot – who breaks their leg weeding the garden? I am going to tell everyone that I was skydiving!! OMG Penny, I remember the day you rolled! You were so excited to be wearing eau de dog poo and watching Jo bathe you was a riot in itself! Speaking of that tub area – you forgot the story of “the peeper”. I would have had a heart attack (and the peeper would have gone blind)! Had forgotten about Billy! Good thing GMA had her camera on the ready for that shot (even tho some people we know make fun of Gma’s picture taking – you know who I mean Pen). Good times – good times! Will never forget them. Love you two traveling turkeys – XXXOOO, Gma
I know! I’m so glad you guys took so many pictures. I had forgotten so much, but I’ll never forget rolling in the poo. Jo was picking chunks of it outta my collar and hair. Muwhahaha! I left the shower peeper out b/c every which way I typed it…it didn’t sound that funny, so I said screw it. Jo DID have a heart attack when she saw him though! But eh, if he wants to look at her hairy ass, he can knock himself out. 😀
Man, EVERYTHING did it for me n’ Jo over there! What an amazing country, food, history, the people. Would love to go back someday. Jo is shaking her head no…not with me, she says. Too much work. Screw you, Jo. I think you did only throw one coin in the fountain, so guess you’re going back! 😉
Jo still laughs her ass off whenever she looks at the gladiator pictures! Good lord, we forgot about your houseboat! I bet it IS still there! I’m not sure if you fell on your left knee…hmmm?? That would explain so much though. Who breaks their leg weeding a garden, you ask? Uh, you…and only you. Skydiving sounds good too though. 😉 Or car surfing…or kicking one too many asses…
As for the serendipitous photo of me catching a ride on the Billy the Dog train…Jo says that was a fluke, especially since it wasn’t blurry. LMAO She kids, she kids. You did take some great pictures…this time! Definitely good times – had a blast! We love you too, fellow turkey…Penny n’ Jo
So many dick references. I’m so proud :’)
Hahahaha! Gee, I didn’t even realize that! Ya’ know what Freud would say… 😀
Damn Penny! One adventure after another. I just wonder what goes through your head as you absorb the chaos that surrounds you with all the human follies that ensue. Poor Gma. Glad she had those Italian Stallions around to help her out. Was that a grin I saw on your face 😉 And the picture of you as the Pope was priceless although your face seemed to be reflecting pain. You have rights I say. Start raising your voice for your say in the matter (as if that’s going to help :-D) But all the pics are priceless. Excellent. I’ll have to blow up that one of Betty Boop for my wall. Ha! And you were probably laughing your tail off when Jo had to give you that awkward bath after your poo dip. So funny. Can’t remember anything like that happening here in hot ol’ Florida. But regardless, glad to see you two having an excellent time now. But I’m selfish. Can’t wait for you two to return. Counting the days. Love ya both and will see you real soon.
Riiight?! Terror is what goes through my head when all this goes down. Sheer terror. And embarrassment. These humans are a joke! I’ve tried making my point to Jo that I will no longer tolerate being put in costume, but she refuses to listen. So, I felt I had no choice but to roll in poop. Vive la resistance! It was fox poop, ya’ know. And I loooved it! Although I may very well have loved watching her pick it out of my collar even more. Muwhahaha!
We sure were glad to have those Italian Stallions help Gma out too. Hubba-hubba! 😉 And we took that Betty Boop picture just for you! Figured you’d like it. 🙂
You can be selfish all you want, no worries at all! 😀 We can’t wait to return too! Well, not to the heat, that’s for sure! And we will definitely miss Scotland though. What a wild ride it’s been! We love you too…and see you soooon!